This week was a great challenge to me, everything is fine with the babies and myself, but it became completely clear to me how quickly life can change. A dear friend and coworker of mine was also pregnant, she found out a week before me and we have commiserated every step of the way. Last week she had received news that one of her blood tests came back with a high result indicating potential downs syndrome and would require further testing. It was obviously a concern for her, but it was also abundantly clear to anyone who had ever met her that she would love this baby no matter what. An ultrasound was scheduled for Monday, and unfortunately no heartbeat could be found. The baby had not made it. Because she was so far along, twenty weeks, they made her deliver the baby. I cannot imagine the pain she went through knowing that her labor was all for naught. After eight hours she delivered a beautiful baby boy, they were able to hold his lifeless body. He was named Noah Lee, and they were given an inked footprint as a keepsake.
The pain that she is experiencing is beyond my capacity, I have been blessed to have never experienced the loss of a pregnancy. And to be so far along where this baby was a constant companion actively moving in her womb. My heart breaks for her. Upon hearing the news I was devastated. Though not logical in any way, I feel so much 'survivor's guilt' for there not being complications with my pregnancy. I know that I am still in a position where anything could happen, but that is the case with virtually every pregnancy on earth.
The memorial service was so hard to attend, I knew that I would receive unwanted attention simply because of my condition. But it was so hard to see this poor family and all of their loved ones suffering from this loss. I couldn't keep it under control and was so grateful for the tissues that I had snagged on my way out the door. It was so nice to see such support, and I know that the ceremony and burial would give them some level of closure.
With all my heart I wish that things could have changed for her, for Noah. But in the meantime I'm doing everything in my power to take the best care of me so that I can do whatever possible to protect these precious gifts that I have been entrusted with.
It's hard to understand why we people have to go through some of the things they do, and why others seem to have it so easy. I mention pregnancy and I get pregnant, and yet friends around me struggle for years to concieve and I find myself feeling guilty at times, like you, also. This is a trial for her and her family, and I can only imagine what trials baby twins will be for you (although I hope they will be perfect angels and sleep through the night the day they come home). I haven't had a failed pregnancy yet either, so it's hard to fully understand their loss and grief, but I bet she is still excited for you!
ReplyDeleteI totally know what your feeling as I had similiar situations while I was pregnant. One couple couldn't get pregnant and the other pregnant but lost the very premature babies (one at birth and one a few months later). I felt SO GUILTY!! You have the right mind set though and you take care of you and the babies! Love Ya! Tracy
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